a story of recovery, rediscovery, and discovery
an HA recovery story by @ha_rediscovery
My story begins in the summer of 2020: After returning home from school due to COVID, a few close family members pointed out that I had gained weight. Suddenly, my insecurities turned to my appearance, and though I never LOVED my body, I was self-conscious in a way I wasn't before. I'm also a long distance runner, and around this time, I got the notion that being thinner would help me run faster (surprise surprise, being in an energy deficiency actually does not improve performance)...
I began consciously regulating what I ate and how much I moved. I told myself I wasn't "extreme about it", but the truth was, very often I found myself thinking about food or exercise in the back of my mind. It was like a program I couldn't fully shut down, outputting more stress on top of stress about school and family matters. Added to the mix was the fact that I was straddling a 12-hour time difference to attend online classes...
And thus, I lost my period. In retrospect, I would have made a classic case study for HA: I was undereating, overexercising, and very stressed. But when I went to see a doctor for the first time, I denied the possibility that my lifestyle could be the problem. I thought it was healthy. The doctor, giving up, sent me away with a pill, which fortunately I looked up and did not take.
After a month of no sign of my period, I was finally ready to face the truth. I went to see another doctor who specialized in treating amenorrhea, and she officially diagnosed me with HA. She gave me a course of action (eat 2500+ cal/day, stop running, sleep at least 8 hours), but perhaps what was even more impactful was her explanation of what HA really was - your body shutting down an "unnecessary" system to conserve energy. I remember sitting on the floor beside my bed that night and feeling a sense of compassion and gratitude so strong for my body that I wanted to cry. My body was doing its job. I need to do my job to take care of it.
That was my first rediscovery, this sense of camaraderie with my body. Against people’s somewhat pitying looks and unintentional remarks at my changing body, against doubts of if I would be able to run as fast as before, I held fast because I wanted to give my body what it deserved. I started doing yoga, and sometimes, I felt amazement simply at my body extending and bending. When I lowered my expectations, when I no longer expected my body to run x kilometers under y minutes, I realized that what seemed little (my heart beating, lungs giving me air, simply BEING ALIVE) was a lot.
I know, it’s not all happiness and sunshine. Recovery is hard. The uncertainty itself is torturous - not knowing how much longer you had to wait, not knowing how much weight you had to put on. At times, I wanted to scream at my body, “Why are you freaking out over nothing? Other people’s bodies are okay with them running marathons!” But at these times, I tell myself that challenges are opportunities for growth. If it is so hard, I must be able to learn and gain from it.
And it was true. As I continued to recover, I made more and more rediscoveries and discoveries. I rediscovered mental clarity and what it felt like to focus completely on something. I rediscovered that spark of curiosity. I rediscovered hobbies from my childhood, like doodling and baking and attempting bad cartwheels. These were rediscoveries of things I knew before HA, but there were also novel discoveries. I discovered a greater appreciation for the trillions of cells that is each human body. I discovered a new freedom that comes with not caring so much what everyone thought. I discovered that I could lean on others as well as be leaned on. I discovered (or rather forged) closer connections with family and friends. I discovered an identity that did not depend on numbers on the scale, stopwatch, test papers. I discovered that by sharing vulnerability, my story has the power to help others.
When I got my first recovery period, I was more emotional than when I got it the first time. I was so incredibly grateful for my body’s trust again, but what’s more, I knew I really had learned so much.
I also knew it was not the end. The journey never ends. Even now, there are days when I stumble and must remind myself of what I’ve discovered. But I will journey on, right here alongside you.
Sending lots of love,
Emma