a multifaceted history of an eating disorder + HA
in the midst of recovery by @don.bacon
A quick disclaimer:
It’s neither a story of successful HA recovery not a story simply about HA. It’s rather a multifaceted history of my past and ongoing struggles with both an eating disorder and HA with the latter resulting from the former. I haven’t recovered yet, and therefore can be somewhat triggering. So take care!
I can’t pinpoint exactly where and when I’ve got my eating disorder, although I must admit I’ve been evaluating and measuring my body since the early childhood. So when I was 14, I decided that I really need to lose weight and get fit. At that point I was quite slim and did some sport, but that seemed not enough. My perfectionism led me to exercising more and more and eating less and less every day. First, I started attending gym daily, mostly unfueled. Then, I started working out early in the morning before the gym and doing some stretching in the evening. My relations with food was getting complicated as I tried to restrict and skip meals, choose the least caloric options and eliminate fatty and sugary products, which I actually love.
By the age of 16 I lost quite a lot of weight, and my sport achievements were noticeable. However, I wasn’t satisfied with myself. The further I got, the more I demanded from myself. I made myself eat less (once a day maximum), exercise more (work out twice a day seven days a week + ride scooter and walk).
That’s when I lost my period, which I’m still trying to get back (I got 21 this March, so I’ve been having HA for 5 years). As it happens to most HAers, both my endocrinologist and gynaecologist said I’m fine and put me on a pill. I’d been taking it for several years, believing that living with an artificial period is not such a bad option.
Only a year ago, in the spring of 2020 did I discover what HA is and why it is so harmful. I’ve got this heavenly revelation by coming across Dani’s Instagram page and The HA Podcast. The reason I started looking for more information on both eating disorder and HA treatments was that with the lockdown I suddenly got much more time to work out, ride scooter or walk, and consequently got even skinnier, which caused a huge concern of my family and friends.
I went to another endocrinologist who was recommended to me. Surprisingly, she appeared to know about HA and, after I’d done the blood test, confirmed this diagnosis as well as Athletic Anorexia. She also told I have to eat more, reduce activity, and gain a lot of weight in 3-4 months.
My parents tried (and sometimes still try) to talk me into seeing the psychologist, but I keep refusing, because I feel like I’m capable of recovering without professional help.
So now I’m going through the recovery myself, equipped with books, blogs and podcasts on this topic. The process is extremely hard. Sometimes due to the stressors such as work, studies and projects, I still slip into usual behaviours: restrictions, anxiety, constant need for exercising and activity, etc. Besides, since I’ve started to eat more, my body began to take over me with attacks of severe hunger and night binges followed by strong feelings of shame and guilt.
As it’s almost always the case, I used to praise myself for disordered behaviours, considering them the highest form of discipline, but then it became a habit and gradually reached extremes. Control (which is actually a lack of control, since actually that’s me who is controlled by the disorder) tightened and extended to everything, causing constant states of extremes, which are fraught with breakdowns and relapses.
Now my biggest struggle is compensating with food (I mean nourishing enough) for my high activity, as for me going “all in” will be mentally unbearable. I manage to get better and gain weight even with such an active lifestyle. However, as soon as I gain at least a little, I tend to stop monitoring my food intake and lose weight again. Furthermore, I often have an irresistible desire to move more when I eat more.
I guess I was drowned in a diet culture and a culture of productivity. For most of my life it seemed to me that in order to be worthy of life and happiness, I must constantly be busy with something, become "better" version of myself. run somewhere, do something…
Being a perfectionist, I believed that first I must finish everything planned and only then can I be happy. But… to-do lists never ended, and I never got to this illusory happiness. And every time I seem to be approaching happiness and pleasure, I didn’t allow myself to experience it telling myself “hey, why are you happy?! You haven't done anything yet! You still must finish this, this and that! So go do it!"
That was so unsustainable and destructive…
I really want to recover! My main motivation is health and a fulfilling life. It's not that I'm dissatisfied with my current one, but I often limit l and suppress myself. Due to hormonal imbalance and internal anxiety, sometimes I literally get atrophied for many emotions and feelings, and live automatically feeling nothing.
In general, I want to LIVE in the full sense of the word. To truly enjoy every moment, be spontaneous, get more social, make decisions easily, stop overthinking… Yes, the very word "health" doesn’t mean so much at first glance, but it will open me the way to a much better life!
There’s definitely a long journey ahead of me, but I am ready to face any difficulties and overcome them in the name of true freedom!
Thank you for reading,
Yours truly