when you’re doing squats in the shower, you know diet cultures got you good

an HA recovery story by @abi_fletcher

From August 2019, I gradually became more and more restrictive about food, and for some reason became addicted to exercise and believed I had to do it every morning to be happy in the day and healthy.

It became very obsessive. I went out and had a pasty with my friend - I came home and did a HITT session. I was on holiday with my mum - I was doing squats in the shower. (Admitting this now is very embarrassing…).
I definitely had orthorexia, I was obsessed with eating clean and healthy foods, saw that I could load up on veggies for volume… so a roast dinner for me would look like half a plate of vegetables, a bit of meat, 1 roast potato, and maybe mash potato - no Yorkshire pudding, etc….I didn’t want to eat things that I deemed unhealthy, and if I had cake - this would replace a meal for sure…

Anyway, covid made everything worse, obsession over food an exercise was a way of control, for sure.
Oh and then I got a fitbit which I wore for 6 months… which I then began tracking calories “just to see what I macros I needed more of” but this continued much longer than a month and when the Fitbit was telling me I only needed about 1700 calories, for some reason I was always wanting to be under. Taking off the Fitbit was the best thing I ever did. Try it for a week at least… you can always put it back on if you miss it so bad.

Back to the timeline - I came off the pill and expected a period on November 2019 but nothing was there ( so it could have been missing for longer I’m not sure) period never came… went to the doctor - was diagnosed PCOS - but then he decided this wasn’t correct.
Everyone was commenting How much weight I had lost summer 2020 and this continued until January 2021.
I think the biggest part to why I lost my period was: seeing carbs as bad (practically ate no bread), fasted training (runs or HITT first thing in the morning), not eating enough to fuel my movement.

January 2021 I was on a run listening to Renee McGregor on a podcast, she was speaking about all the negative effects of not having a period, so I was like “Jeeeez, I’ve really got to get my period back and put some effort in”. And there began my weight gain journey.

Increased calories 100 per week, got to about 2500, then stopped tracking, but was kinda doing it in my head (I think I was actually way over 2500). I started eating 1st thing in the morning! If I woke up at night hungry I had half a banana and dunked it in peanut butter.
I was EXTREMELY OBSESSED about food in HA, I would constantly thinking of the next meal and what to eat at that meal. My Instagram feed was ALL food and recipes. This was not normal, I mean I love food and cooking, but it shouldn’t be like this.
It isn’t anymore, I’m truely not so interested and I don’t even know what to eat anymore, I’m kind of bored with food..

My signs of recovery:
Hair growth
Not always thinking about meal times / eating
Not always thinking about when to fit a workout in
Mental space for other things
I became much more free with plans and eating times
I’ve gone up about 2 dress sizes
I journaled so much less in the last few weeks before my period came, I think I just became too busy with enjoying life!
Measured my basal temperature and it did look as though I had ovulated

I gave my body food - if it wanted more food after my evening snack - I’d give it more… and even though this was really hard and I felt so guilty for it - it was obviously the right thing to do. I’ve been through about 5 peanut butter jars in 3 months !!!

The night my period came (July 12th 2021):
I spontaneously had ice cream at 9pm and when I got home at 12am - my period came !!!!
I think ice cream is the magic recovery food 😅.

I think you really have to just let go of all rules, even distract yourself with friends and family.
Just go out and have fun, eat cake, swim in a lake, go on a walk with a friend - with a cafe visit of course…
I became writing in my journal much much less as I became closer to recovery..
I did continue with yoga every day but it was mainly stretching with a few attempts at arm balances!

Recovery has made me me again, and I can honestly say this has been the best part.
My parents didn’t see me for the 4 months I was away recovering my body, and when I came home they commented on how much more I laugh, smile and how I seem much happier.

I know it’s hard, but you’ve got this girls, it is so worth it ! 💪🏻 x

@abi_fletcher