healing as a form of self respect
an HA recovery story by @benedictecaput
Cycle number 6 started a few days ago - which is pretty amazing after 16 years without any.
Let’s go back to when it all started: with an eating disorder.
I was 14, lost weight to an extreme because I thought that with a perfect body I would finally belong, people would love me.
Then I lost control of the control and my period with it.
In the midst of the challenges linked to life and eating disorders, getting my period back was the last thing on my mind.
Even once, I gained weight, found some kind of balance, I avoided thinking about it.
Because you know, life.
And probably because I knew what it would imply.
More food, less exercise, putting on weight...so I always found an excuse.
But no one ever tells you the long term consequences of it, the osteoporosis, the injuries, the anxiety and depression, the digestive issues...unless you look for it, no one speaks about it.
I genuinely don’t know why it shifted, why I decided that I would address it and really go for it after years of dipping my toe in the water, just to step back.
Yet, I did it and funnily enough, it has been anything but was I would have expected.
At first, I thought I would share my journey as I was going through recovery - then I didn’t.
It became something really intimate and personal. I didn’t talk to anyone about it, none of my friends or family knew.
Even when I got my period back, I kept it for myself. Maybe out of superstition, as if it would disappear as soon as I talk about it.
Would I recommend it? Certainly not, it wasn’t an easy road and sometimes it would have been helpful to be able to offload to someone.
Would I change it? Not either, I probably had my reason why.
It came sooner than expected but I remember vividly what happened.
A week before I was feeling absolutely disgusting, the heaviest I had ever been, and nothing could take my mind out of it. None of the coping mechanisms I used to use worked. So I went out. As I was walking something happen, I thought to myself “what are my options here?”
I could either go back to the way things were before -but have I come this far just to come this far? I think that wasn’t really an option because in all honestly, I don’t think I could do it all over again.
And it really felt like I decided to surrender, not to give up, but to accept, to accept the weight, to accept the feelings, to accept them and see what would happen.
A week later, my first cycle started. I wasn’t expecting it at all. I experienced such a weird roller coaster of emotions, of being a woman finally, as if my body decided to trust me again.
It felt like if I was struggling to get pregnant and finally getting pregnant but then you know that over the next 9 months anything can happen.
It felt the same, I knew that it wasn’t the end, there is no end in this journey.
What no one talks about either is the hormones, the ups and downs I’ve never experienced before. The PMDD, the bloating, it felt like it was all kicking back at once and can be pretty intense.
But that’s settled and having a body fully functioning is the best form of self-respect.
Ever since it hasn’t been a smooth journey, I still have work to do, on the relationship with my body, on the relationship with food, on the freedom.
I had some steps back, there’s a lot going on in my life at the moment and food is still a coping mechanism.
I reckon that I am still incredibly lucky that besides this my body is still trusting me. Yet, I don’t think I could ever take it for granted anymore.
I am forever grateful for my body, for what it does for me, after everything I put her through.
To all of you, on this journey, remember one thing: “forever forward”.
Think of a life of freedom, think of those who care about you.
If you can not love your body yet, that’s okay, just keep learning on respecting it.
Without our health we have nothing.
And always reach out, there are people willing to help and listen.
As Dumbledore would say: “Help will always be given to those who ask for it.”
@benedictecaput