navigating through a storm called HA
recovering from HA - by @lisi.wendt
The past year has been intense, scary, and full of hard work, but at the same time rewarding, as I found out who I really am and what I want in life. After almost 15 years of ignoring my bodies signals, pushing her to her limits and maintaining an obsessive relationship with food and exercise, I decided it was time to say goodbye to a lifestyle that I thought was healthy, but actually caused my body to shut down in every possible way.
Starting HA recovery was one of the best decisions I have ever made and I am finally able to give my body the love and care she needs
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How it started…
After gaining a substantial amount of weight in my last years in high school, I developed multiple food intolerances that caused a lot of anxiety around food. Nearly everything I ate made me nauseous and subsequently caused panic attacks, so I just stopped eating. I lived off 3 bowls of white rice for months, lost more and more weight and at some point, my period. When my family and friends repeatedly expressed their concern about my health, I tried to reintroduce other foods and ended up with a very restrictive diet, which consisted of the 3 same meals every day.
I ate just enough to get my body through the day, just enough that I would not starve, just enough that I would not get sick.
This went on for years and while I never had an issue with being in a larger body in my teenage years (I was confident in my body, had the best circle of friends and a fulfilled dating life), I did not mind the weight loss that came with all my GI issues. I spent endless hours on researching the healthiest diet, the best workout routine and knew every supplement out there and once I found something that worked for me, I stuck with it and slowly drifted into orthorexia. Thinking what I did was super healthy, I would only eat certain things at certain times and I would not allow sugar, fat, or fast/ convenience food. No need to tell you what that did to my social life, but back then I was so tangled up in my behaviour that I did not notice anything was wrong.
Months passed and I was doing my thing - the same routine every day, the same food every day, and I actually enjoyed being praised for my dedication and ambition towards eating healthy.
Fast forward, a few years later I got the unique chance to move to the US for an 18-month internship. With that offer a dream came true, so I accepted without even thinking about how I was going to keep up with my disordered eating. Once I was there, it was like I pushed a reset-button on my life. I loved my new job, life and friends, had the best time in Manhattan and found a state of mind, a kind of ease that I never had before. As I emerged in this new life, I let go of my rigid food rules and just indulged in everything the city had to offer. Inevitably I gained back some of the weight to the point where I even got my period back.
Then one night out in a club, one of the guys of our group pinched my love handles and asked me “What’s going on over here, what is this?” I will never forget the feeling I had right there at this bar, obliviously holding my strawberry daiquiri, enjoying myself after a lovely dinner, laughing with my friends. It was as if someone stabbed a knife right into my soul, I felt so ashamed, I could not breathe. I did not know what to do, what to say and I just wanted to run away and hide. I did run away that night, but since hiding was not an option, I signed up at the local YMCA the next day, bought running shoes and worked out there every morning and ran whenever I had a chance. I also started restricting my food again and went back to my old habits of eating the same foods in the same amount every day, so I could control and observe the change that was happening to my body.
Honestly, I somewhat loved the feeling of being in charge, seeing how toned I was getting, wearing all the clothes I wanted. I found gym buddies that supported my rigidity and even praised me for my progress.
Needless to say, this community was encouraging and validating of my restrictive behaviours. And this is how I spent the time I had left in the US.
Looking back on the following 10 years, I feel like I was on autopilot. I had moved back in with my parents into my old bedroom, started a job at a university in my hometown and tried to find a routine with working out and food so that I would maintain my low weight and tone my body. It was almost like my small, fragile body protected me from any harm from the outside, and I loved the bubble I was living in. Having a “perfect” body for me was like being untouchable and if I messed up at work or in relationships, I still had my perfect body that protected me like a shield. Being back in my old environment also felt like being the carefree kid again with nothing to worry about besides going to work, working out and controlling my food – no need to grow up and deal with real adult issues.
I also returned to the ballet school I had attended since I was 8, finally with the tiny and graceful body I have not had all those years before. I finally looked like a ballerina, but I remember almost falling asleep during classes as I had lost all my strength.
Letting go a little…
When I met my now husband, he was the first one in years who I was willing to break out of my routines for and I really wanted it to work out with him. When I cooked for us, I always made the healthier versions of the dishes so I had a “safe” option, and he would not miss out on anything. Looking back, I admire his patience during all our dinner dates where I would always order plain chicken and broccoli at restaurants that I had done enough research on prior to our visit.
Why was it so hard to completely let go of something I knew was harming my body? I was aware that I had osteopenia and that I would not be able to get pregnant, but since those things do not hurt, why bother? And why change something that feels so safe, especially when people constantly compliment on lean appearance and discipline and dedication to sports. What they did not know was that I was always leaving parties early to work out the next morning, I was never mentally present because in my head I was thinking about what I need to do to work of that drink in my hand or the 3 crackers I just had.
During all this time my food intolerances were still bothering me, but at the same time they were great excuse for eating a special diet when we were invited or out with people. I always brought my own sides or offered to make dessert so I would have at least something there to eat. Looking back it’s amazing how understanding everyone was.
A turning point
At some point though I got tired of eating that way, tired of running while my friends were out having coffee, tired of packing bags full of food whenever we went on vacation, ... I wanted to feel better in my body by getting help for my GI issues and also address the fertility challenges and osteopenia. Most of the doctors I consulted blamed it on me being underweight and told me just to eat more and everything will be fine. Great! But how?
And this is where my HA recovery journey really begins. I realised that I needed to work on this on my own and get more information than what the doctors were willing or able to give me. I joined a Facebook group for women with pre-menopausal osteoporosis and it opened up a new world. All of a sudden, I realised what I had done to my body all those years while thinking I will live to be 110 years. In this group I learned about HA and finally had a name for what I have gotten myself into. I joined one Facebook group after another, listened to EVERY podcast out there about HA recovery, reverse dieting and body image improvement and tried every supplement or alternative treatment to cure my HA without having to gain weight or reduce my workouts. Needless to say that those things caused nothing but disappointment and frustration. It was just when I was about to start another round of HRT that I came across another Facebook group run by a woman, a mindset coach, whose HA story was similar to mine and in just one short discovery call she triggered something in me that made me want to commit and actually do the work to get my health and life back without medication. I started by setting short term goals and reducing my exercise by 70% as of the next day. This went on for weeks and nothing about my body composition changed, which was kind of a relief, but also told me that I inevitably also needed to address the nutrition part of HA to gain weight. Knowing how hard this would be mentally, I was still not able to completely let go.
An attempt at going “all in”
And then I got COVID. As much I suffered from extreme pain, high fever and prolonged loss of taste and fatigue, the positive side of it was that it forced me to go “all in”. I was horrified that working out too soon after recovering would lead to long-term damage to my heart and lungs and so all I did was take leisurely walks once I was feeling better.
Surprisingly, this forced rest turned out to be exactly what I needed to calm down and address the emotional aspect of HA. There was time to contemplate my emotions, why I was knowingly doing all those things that harmed my body, where in my past I took the wrong turn, who put that pressure upon me (it was only me btw) and why I could not get rid of all those stubborn beliefs that led me to where I was.
Not only have I gained 3 hours of extra time every day (previously used for workouts and planning meals) I had so much more mental space and rediscovered hobbies, friendships and tuned into my creative side again.
Once I had my post-covid checkups and was “cleared” to work out again I knew that going back to my old workout schedule was not an option and from all I have learned during my excessive research phase, hitting the break on sports while nourishing the body is the best cure for HA. But after two months of being “all in”, gaining weight and still no period I started to get impatient and a little frustrated with my changing body. I decided to reintroduce movement and started doing morning yoga (with a heavy snack before this time) and within a week I noticed the positive effect on my body image. This grounding time in the morning was exactly what a needed to find peace within my body that I had never felt before.
The right kind of society
Since I was still lacking support from family and friends, I finally decided to join the HA Society to give me a little extra motivation and to connect with women who are going through the same on a more personal level. I am a person who needs numbers, statistics, success stories and a place to vent when I need to without being judged and this is exactly what I found in the HA Society.
In the process, I completely turned over my Instagram and unfollowed every single person and hashtag that could potentially trigger my old behaviors again. Instead, I found amazing HA recovery angels like lovely Nicky, Elyse, Dani and Sarah Liz King who made and still make me want to stay committed every single day.
Obviously, my marriage and other relationships benefited a lot now that I had other outlets for my HA concerns and the time spent with them was mostly carefree and so much more valuable. Being in a community that understands is tremendously helpful as we hold each other accountable, exchange our wins and challenges and even talk about other things that are going on in our lives. It feels amazing to have that kind of support which I would never get from the people around me, not because they do not want to support me, but because they just cannot understand.
Who else would cheer you for eating a bowl of ice cream, preferring movie night over a HITT class or for accepting a spontaneous invitation for dinner?!
What has changed?
Here are some seemingly small, but for me major changes:
Previously —- Now
Booking hotels with 24h gyms and special diet menus —- Booking hotels with beach access
Not participating in anything that conflicts with workout —- Participating in anything that sound fun
Stuffing myself with veggies before eating carbs or fat —- Not even noticing what I eat first
Controlling every inch of my body —- Controlling how much my plants grew overnight
Coffee order with the least possible calories —- Coffee order with maximum taste
While I still do not have my period back, I notice there is a lot going on in my body. Not only did estrogen, LH and FSH increase, I also notice a pattern in my cervical mucus, my BTT increased significantly, the quality of sleep improved and I no longer need daily laxatives. And finally, after 15 years of feeling not taken seriously by gynecologists, I found a very empathetic fertility specialist who predicted that my period is very close. With that in mind and a strong community support, I am looking forward to a bloody and fertile future.
If anyone out there who can relate to any part of my story – jump into the process, it is 100% worth every bloated hour, every tear shed over a crappy body image day and every tight pair of jeans handed down to a teenage girl.
Eat that brownie, double that PB, get rid of tight clothes even before they start feeling uncomfortable and clean up your IG!
@lisi.wendt